The College of Tears(Tears Of Blood)

THE COLLEGE OF TEARS.

TEARS OF BLOOD!

The multi-purpose hall was almost to its carrying capacity. The scarcely-any fluorescent bulbs flickered on and off at irregular intervals and one could only wonder why they were there at all. You could hardly tell who was who in the dimly lit hall. The pane less windows clattered against the wall once in a while disturbed by the howling wind outside. The chill flying in from the open windows almost froze the students to the bones but none of them faltered. All their eyes and ears were for the full-bearded fellow whose arms looked too long for his body. 

Soili was half-listening and half-staring at his mobile phone expectantly. He could have easily decided to skip this session but hell! It was about relationships; something that had plagued his mind since the last breakup he had immediately he joined campus. His high school girlfriend had walked out on him for no apparent reason, as he had figured out until he saw her new catch. It was a “Blinged” fellow with all sorts of jewellery on his arms, legs and even ears, nose, eyes and tongue. He looked like he had blinged each of his common senses that he reasoned a little less more than a Columbus monkey.

After Soili confronted her, she had told him that her feelings for him had just vanished into the air. This was not true because after the metallic dude dumped her, she had come begging on her knees. He had told her to go to Lucifer’s den and come back riding on the smallest demon in hell. He had not dared date anyone else after that for the three years in campus. Not that he never felt for the hot-looking girls here; just that he was not sure about another commitment. He had given his last relationship his best shot and still it failed. He could not figure where to “Put more Effort.”

The speaker for this Thursday night was a Pastor Jeremiah invited by the Campus Crusade for Christ. He was going over the topic of relationship with relish. Soili could tell that most of the Students came to grasp something funny to laugh about. For him, this was something close to life and death night. He had attended other sessions like this organized by different organizations in campus, both religious and social. Soili preferred the religious ones when he noticed that the social groups taught from a very permissive point of view. However, he had noticed that even the religious speakers taught from their own points of view. He had decided not to attend these talks on relationship anymore as they were confusing him. But tonight, he needed every bit of information he could lay his senses on, however frail and untrue.

Tonight, he had a date and he was going to give his proposal for a relationship to a lady he had known since he breathed the first college air; three years ago. They had bonded and become good buddies and Soili thought that it was time he gave the whole thing a commitment. He was sure she could not decline his offer. No! Not after what they had been through together. Her name was Haizec Kai. He had always mused with the fact that this name sounded like Korean or Chinese. He wondered whether these campus girls used their real names at all.

“Your mind is not inside here.” A lady seated next to him whispered and suddenly his mind detached from its wandering and refocused on the oldster who had already started making the whole thing a sermon. He glanced at his watch on knew that it will not be long before Haizec called him. He had told her that he wanted to talk and she had agreed. The agreed time was 9pm in the football field. He had decided to grasp a few tips at the relationship event before going to drop what the students called a CV. He preferred calling it a CH; Contents of the Heart.

“Some of these girls will not have made up their minds and they will keep you waiting and so dude, let go and move on.” The preacher said.

Soili just recalled that this was what he had to do with the last girl he had proposed to. He could even catch a silhouette of her seated on the front row of the hall. He could not miss the shape of her head and the hairstyle she always wore. You would think she was born wearing that hair. Her name was Sirodi. When he proposed, she told him that she wanted time to pray and seek the face of the Lord concerning the issue. He caught her later openly kissing a lecturer and wondered for a moment whether this old fellow was “The Lord” after all. It was hard letting go but he told himself that; when a roll of tissue paper falls down the stairs, just let it go because when you cling to one end, you risk losing all of it. They always did that for better grades anyway.

“It is always good to bond before you decide to commit yourself to a relationship.” The pastor continued amidst expressions of disappointments. This was because most fourth years did what was called “Gold Rush.” It consisted of grabbing the latest arrivals in campus- the First years when they were still confused and naïve. To this, Soili gave a nod that was a hundred percent for himself and not for the pastor. He had bonded well with Haizec; for three years. She had also shown a lot of interest in him. In the real sense a lot of students actually thought she was already his girlfriend and no one dared approach her. Even her buddies showed some humble respect in his presence. He played the game well and she seemed to like it that way. You could almost see the expectation in her eyes on when this dude was going to be hers formally.

Pastor Jeremiah moved on to speak about certain risks of introducing your girlfriend to your buddies and Soili stared at his watch again. It was 9pm and she had not called. There was a great temptation to rush out and make the call himself but he had always told himself that patience was a bitter herb that bore sweet fruits. He would wait. He evaluated every point the pastor made and he was almost sure that by the time he slept tonight he would formally have a girlfriend. His closest friend Sayona had always told him that he was lucky to have such a beautiful catch. She was a close friend of him too but he trusted him. He had deliberately decided not to tell Sayona of the event tonight though he hardly kept anything from him. He wanted it to be a Friday surprise for him.

The phone rang. He almost rushed outside but it was just a friend asking his whereabouts. He wondered for the umpteenth time why she was delaying. He knew that she was nervous since he had given her an idea of what they were going to talk about. “It is about us” he had said when she inquired. He wondered whether she was also going to pray and seek the face of the Lord. He didn’t mind; only hoped that the Lord this time was the real one in heaven.

The phone rang again and this time it was Haizec. He knew that she would call or he would go for her from her room a few meters away from the hall. She had postponed some previous appointments like this but in this, there was no escape. Soili was not eager for this meeting per se. He was full of butterflies. He had allowed them to get the better of him until he had gotten used to them. How many times he had postponed the proposal. The last butterfly fluttered in his stomach as he picked the call and knew that today, there was no way back. Even her voice on the phone told you that she was ready to walk through the valley of the shadow of death.

“Get me in my room.” She said. He wondered what had happened. The original plan was the field and he hoped all the stars in heaven that she had not changed her mind about the venue. He had dismissed the idea of both of their rooms. He roommate Katrina would feel very uncomfortable. In his room, Sayona would be there reciting the entire balcony scene from Romeo and Juliet at the sight of them. Soili noticed that he was sweating even in the chill of the Kenyan highlands and he dismissed the idea of wearing a jacket.

“Isn’t it cold outside?” She asked when he came into her room without knocking.

“Are you two going somewhere?” Katrina asked.

“Just taking a walk down the ais……I mean down the campus.” Soili replied.

Haizec fidgeted at the idea of walking down the Aisle. Soili smiled at her and smirked, “No Katrina, it isn’t cold. There is a nice weather for taking a walk really.”

He could see the tension in her eyes. Normally, she would get all cheeky at such kind of a topic but tonight, she didn’t smile at it. She didn’t even look at him directly. There seemed to be something she was looking at above his head any time she pretended to be looking at him. Her eyes looked as if she would cry but even Soili was not expecting that. He had noticed how much pain this lady could take without shedding a tear. He had always mused that she cried through the nose. If she blew her nose several times amidst a conflict, he always knew that she was crying.

The last time he had rushed her to a hospital in the middle of the night in much pain, she had done a lot of groaning and complaining but never even once crying. Blowing her nose of course a zillion times by the time he lost count. He cried a lot of times for the period that she was in hospital. Even that night at the hospital, he would find tears on his face and would have to hide and dry lest she caught him. He had spent a whole sleepless night in his room crying asking God to remove the cup of suffering from her and at least give it to him. He would not have minded suffering on her behalf. He loved her that much. This proposal would not change a thing. The tears he had cried over her would be all history by the time he slept tonight. If anything, they could only be replaced by tears of joy.

He remembered that he had seen her tears once. The day he had been taken by a powerful migraine and she and a few friends had to rush her to the hospital. He had seen her amidst the confusion cry. That was the only time he had seen her tears. If she could cry over him and not herself, tonight would be a walkover. He had however noticed the way with the girls. However eager they were about getting hooked to you, they never said ‘yes’ in the first approach. They would come up with all sorts of excuses like that one about seeking the face of the Lord. How he hated that one because of the way it worked with Sirodi.

“You’d rather get yourself something warm.” Haizec said when they stepped into the cold night.

“Am fine my dear.” Soili said, going ahead to give a detailed account of how his body reacted to warm clothing. He said it made him inactive. A few people greeted them suspiciously as they made their way across the abandoned car park into the dark field. The grass had been touched by slight dew and it gave Soili the first chill and he shivered. He knew that even though he had declined to wear a jacket, he would feel the biting chill on his short-sleeved shirt and his bare face. Haizec Kai had put on a heavy fur jacket that made her appear like an African Eskimo stepping out of an igloo. He wondered whether it was all that cold or she was just hiding her anxiety behind the soft artificial fur.

He suggested that they do the talking as they walked around the field but she declined. He knew that she had spent a long day and would be tired but his optimistic mind told him that she was just eager to hear the proposal that she had probably waited for months. He only wanted the comfort of walking; his confidence would be boosted by walking. Sitting down would be too formal and he wouldn’t like it. More than any other time, he did not want to start an argument tonight and so he agreed to almost anything she said. He wanted to score as much points as he could. He had always known that he wasn’t a coward with this kind of thing. He just wanted to take his time and talk from deep within himself. All the same, he did not want it to turn so mechanical.

He agreed to some two old and abandoned seats at a corner in the field. He shivered despite himself and he noticed that even when he spoke, there was a quiver in his voice. He cursed again and again. “You were right. I should have brought something warm but I’ll pull through.” He said between clenched teeth. He did not want her to start having the obnoxious idea that he was shivering from fear or anxiety though he had detected it far off. They chatted first about nothing in particular. He knew when to bring in the proposal. He had stupidly rehearsed alone including the responses and he was sure she had rehearsed too. He therefore knew that tonight would be just drama and reality would hit a few days, weeks, months, or years later after this Thursday night. He found himself wondering whether pastor Jeremiah had said something about that when he realized that he must have walked out of the session before then.

“Like I said, we came to talk about us.” He said and silently cursed his shaking voice. If she had allowed him, he would have rushed to his room just to get a corner of his leather jacket. But who would want to appear like a deserter especially at this point of the conversation. She did not look up. “Haizec Kai, we have come a long way as friends and I fell it’s time we got close to each other’s heart.”

“You have always been close to my heart Soili. Are you saying I have failed?” she asked looking up for the first time. Why did she think he had overlooked that kind of defense?

“True my dear, we have been close to each other’s heart, but in this cold,” he said feigning more chill than there was, “I won’t mind getting inside your heart dear.”

“Ok, go on Soili.”

His heart fell only when he had started celebrating his few seconds of victory. He wanted a dialogue and he wasn’t prepared for the monologue she was getting him into. But he would not give her the advantage; he would get into the monologue and do it well. He delved into the feelings he had for her and she acknowledged. He dared not venture into the things he had done for her. He had decided during the rehearsal to skip that bit as he was sure that she would bring it up herself. He had buried a landmine there and the moment she stepped on it, it would explode all on her face.

He told it in details the reasons he thought they should get into that relationship including the fact that he had waited for it for over a year. Haizec Kai had done her homework well. She took the stage and started showering all kinds of praises on Soili touching on his character. He felt on the top of the world but knew that it could be turned upside down by a single ‘but’. He still however wanted her to go into the things he had done for her-the Landmine. And she did. She went over some of which even Soili had forgotten and for a moment, he wondered whether she kept a record diary of the things he had done for her. “I do not know how to repay all the show of kindness and love Soili.” She concluded. It was the time for the landmine to explode.

“Oh dear, dear, do not put these things I’ve done into consideration. I’ve actually forgotten most of them.” The latter was true but the former was a lie. The landmine explosion. “I’ve done those things and will continue to do them not for love, but in the name of love, so don’t mention it.” It caught well and she blushed.

The preamble was done and he wished to know whether she agreed to his proposal. “I do not know how to say this or even know how you will take it Soili.” He fidgeted and despite the cold, he noticed that he was sweating again. He was ready for anything. He just hoped it had nothing to do with ‘seeking the face of the Lord’. How a lot of times we use the name of God in vain and he warned us against it in the Ten Commandments. If God wanted to be liberal, he would have given us the Ten Suggestions.

“Go on sweetheart, the choice is entirely yours.” He affirmed.

“It is hard Soili especially after you have waited for a year.”

His heart jumped in his chest cavity. He felt a hollow in his stomach and he expected his heart to plummet into this void. He promised himself that he would not show the shock he had gotten. He knew her answer before she said it. “Go on Haizec Kai, Like I said, I had exploited all the consequences before I asked you.”

“I am in love with someone else.” She said openly and frankly.

Who allowed Haizec Kai to use nuclear war heads while poor Soili was busy setting up landmines? He muted the ‘huh’ that escaped from his now open mouth. He promised himself for the hundredth time to keep calm. His heart was pounding heavily on his chest and he was afraid the front of his shirt was bouncing up and down for the whole world to see. He even checked. “Oh really?” he asked in a voice that was calmer than any he had used that night that even Kai looked up. He had even stopped shivering from the chill. “Go on, tell me about him.” He urged.

She was now staring at him in fixed incredulity. Her eyes seemed o pop out from her fur coat. She was checking his reaction and finding none. She went ahead to describe the guy she was in love with declining to mention his name even with Soili’s insisting. This was more to tell him that this was no ‘seeking the face of the Lord’. The answer was one that carried some rigid finality. “I am sorry Soili”. She concluded.

“No need to be my dear, can we take a walk around the field?” he asked.

“Just once”. She agreed. He would tell his conclusion then. He tried to get the name of the guy who fitted the description but he gave up. He just recalled how he told Sayona when he caught Sirodi kissing a lecturer, “I will burn his wrinkled ass.” He had said. Sayona had rebuked him for such strong language and even reminded him that he had given his life to Jesus and he had quickly corrected himself; “I will apply heat to his aging fundament.”

Even as they walked on the field silently, he was deciding what to do with this other guy that Haizec Kai claimed she was in love with. How come he had never noticed anyone close to Kai? From the description she had given him, he must have been a nice dude. Something told him that he knew the dude and that was why Kai had withheld the name.

“I am sorry Soili.” She repeated.

“It is Ok Haizec Kai” he said, “But if this guy ever hurts you……”

“Then what?” she asked noticing that he had referred to her without the usual ‘my dear’.

“I will kill him.” Soili said frankly.

At that moment, the world he had built for a whole year fell apart. The sleepless nights he had spent crying over her pains and concerns were trashed in the dustbins of rejection. The hopes he had built a mountain of visions with were swept away by an ocean of dismissal. The esteem he had built for years on earth got trampled on by a mighty foot of betrayal. Even as he walked into his room alone, he felt a sharp pain cross his chest and he knew it was real when he almost collapsed on his bed. Stinging tears welled up in his eyes and he wasn’t sure whether they were from the night’s experience, from the pain suspended in his chest cavity or from both. Only one thing remained. The Immense love she had for her was still there.

He almost woke his roommate Sayona by groaning deeply of pain from a bleeding heart. Sayona stirred in his sleep but did not wake up. The tears came down, tumbling and wetting the pillow which he now clung to as if it was a lifeline. He turned to the mirror and almost jumped, startled by his own reflection. It was his face twisted in pain and his bloodshot eyes that scared him. Tears of blood. Honestly if that dude hurt Haizec Kai, he would kill him. “He better love her better than I do.” He told himself and then stopped as if a knife had been thrust in his back.

How did he miss that from the description? He was too freaked to concentrate and focus his mind. He looked as if for the first time at the mound of blankets raising and dropping at regular interval of the breathing roommate. Yes! It was him. He stood up and dropped the pillow on the floor. This is the devil you do not know. Son of a bitch. Sayona!