Heaven’s express Mail,
Holy spirit
P.O Box Golden Street,
New Jerusalem
DEAR GOD,
Hallo God, how are you? I hope Heaven is fine and the Angels are not giving you trouble with all the praise and worship. What am saying is that I hope they are not singing off-key. By the way who took over the singing after that dude you dropped here left your presence? I guess we are fine down here but I do not need to tell you that for you can see for yourself. I know you are wondering why all the flowers and gifts. Today is the 14th day of February 2012. I am telling you that for I am quite convinced that you do not have a universe-sized calendar up there where you check on the days. I know you shall argue that this is just the second year since we murdered your son; the one you had sent to try and rescue us from that other dude you dropped here.
Well, God, I won’t argue with you because you know better. By the way how old am I by your calculation? That would be 24 divide by 1000! Wow by my calculation, it is coming to around 8 days old(hahahaha). Now I know why you call me a child while everybody else is thinking am a grown up. It seems I have every question on Earth to ask you but I will preserve some of those Questions for another day. The main aim of writing this letter to you is because I did not want you sitting up there wondering why in the name of Fifty demons is your footstool suddenly turning red.
I do not need to introduce to you Lupercalia. This was that Pagan worship of the fertility god Faunusthat was carried out in Ancient Rome where two male youths clad in goat skins to Symbolize he-goats ran around the city slapping people with goat skins. You must have found that stupid. I should blame you God for finding that stupid. Because what I find stupid is the fact that Pope Gelasius 1 your servant recast this pagan Worship as a Christian feast and declared it Valentine’s day.
Well, it looks like there is nothing that can be done about it but Honestly God, I can tell you that today I am really pissed off. I know you have seen your footstool turn red every year and nobody has ever bothered to tell you why and so today God, I decided to beat the others at it and inform you. Personally, the first time I came across it I was in class eight. By the way here we go to school. I was about less than a day old according to your calculation then. I was also in dismay like you are right now wondering why everyone one of my Friends chose to put on a red garment. Apparently, I kept away from them because one of My arts teacher had told me that Red was a color that showed danger and it meant that everything was not going right. I did not want any of my friends exploding beside me so I kept off.
But someone decided to take the responsibility as I am doing right now to tell me what it was. I am really delaying to tell you what is happening here because I do not want you to get suddenly annoyed and hit the closest thing in contact and that would be me and then apologize later. Before you start hitting things around in anger, let me first tell you that I do not agree with what is going on and that’s why I took the precaution to remove anything red from around here before I start writing. Do not get angry yet because you might explode by the time I finish. Let me take you step by step so that next time it happens, you will know what to do. Just don’t turn the sky red.
It is called The Valentine’s day. I know you are thinking; Does Valentine have a day? Can he make one degree Celsius of the sun’s heat? I thought I created all the days and they are mine? And who’s this valentine? God, do not expect me to tell you the answers to those questions. I am only eight days old by your calculations. I do not know. Ask Pope Gelasius. He is not here anymore, otherwise I would have asked him for you. I told you not to get Angry yet. It is the day that we celebrate love. Oh, you must have laughed at that. Please God do not start to think that I am the most stupid thing you ever created. Give me some credit for taking the time to inform you. Can I now go on?
I have never been once involved in these celebrations. Not that I have never wanted. We agreed no anger. It was because every girlfriend I got somehow left before the Valentine’s day came. The one I had at High school was just an experimenting child. Please save her. The one I had at campus left before I even had her. And God, down here, this is what we call love. Because I am sure if any one of these was around on a February 14th, they would have told me that I am their Valentine. Oh, how I would have hated that. By the way My name is Stanley, so naturally I won’t mind if anyone told me that I am their Stanley. I just do not want to be anyone’s Valentine.
It was you God that asked us to cast all our burdens and our fears to you. But what I am about to cast to you will scare the heavens out of you. I have a girlfriend today! Ok, right now am at work and she is not around, but she called me on the phone in the Morning and hinted to me that she want to meet me in the evening. I can tell you that I just took her out two days ago and so am sure that she has not missed me yet. She want to probably get me flowers (red of course) and tell me that am her Valentine. Now father, is there a way you can change my name to Valentine before the meeting so that I do not get pissed off when she says that? I do not also want to hit things around. They day I took her out I was her Stanley. And I loved her believe me. I do not feel any different today and that’s why I do not also want my name to change.
Do not start looking at me that way. I had told you that you would get pissed off. I know what I’ll do. We shall excuse her for today. When I say ‘we’ I mean you and I. I will get her the flowers she need. Then you shall make them wither like the way you did with that Plant you had provided for Jonah. Just make it wither but please do not send a worm to eat it. She is so damn scared of those crawling things you made. I will not buy her another teddy bear doll because she named the last one after me. I would hate to see that bundle of soft clothes symbolizing me. It does not even have life. Let her wait until the day I give her a pet. Or even a son. She can be free to call all of them after me at least.
Dear God, See when I started writing this letter I said the main aim was informing you. That was a lie. Well, I have confessed and you said if we confess our sins you are faithful to forgive all the iniquities. I was just hoping you would not get so Angry with our folly and destroy us before Valentine can come to the climax in the evening. You are the God of Love. My Sunday School told me that God is Love but she did not tell me that Love id God. A strange one way equation indeed. So Naturally, this should be Jehovah’s day. But we have equated it both ways and so, Merciful father, slow to anger and abounding in Love the main Aim of writing this letter was just one. This time am telling the truth. The aim was just to request you one thing; Please forgive us and teach us your ways.
Your 8 days old son,
Stanley.
Note: One more thing dear Lord. I asked one dude in the morning to button up his Zip thinking I was helping him and he insulted me. Was he one of your sons? Why did he zip up after insulting me if he wanted the zip down?
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